Dood aan de Banaan

Geplaatst door ikbenhetismij op zo, 13/06/2010 - 22:24

Ik ben een appelmens, laat dat duidelijk zijn. Maar bananen zijn af en toe onontkomelijk als het gaat om de stabiele balans van de darmflora. En aangezien mijn darmen het woord 'flora' niet waardig zijn, besloot ik onlangs tot het kopen van tros bananen. Een tros ja, want de heer D. van den Broek heeft besloten dat bananen in zijn winkel alleen per tros te koop zijn. Ik heb nog even overwogen om een bananenduo van de tros af te trekken en mee te nemen naar de kassa, maar het niveau van de kassameisjes in de supermarkt van de heer D. van den Broek is niet echt om over naar huis te schrijven. Een bananenduo zou vermoedelijk een wachtrij van zeker twintig minuten betekenen. En als ik ergens een hekel aan heb, is het wachten. Ik besloot dus tot het kopen van een tros bananen.

Direct dezelfde middag al moest Banaan Eén het ontgelden. De zomer is aangetreden en dat betekent dat de blender weer uit de kast mag. Banaan Eén is met grof geweld om het leven gebracht. De smoothie was erg lekker.

Banaan Twee was een iets langer leven beschonken. Met de nadruk op iets, want rond de klok van vijf begon de maag te ronken. Tijd om naar de fruitmand (nee, ik heb geen fruitschaal maar een fruitmand) te lopen en Banaan Twee soldaat te maken.Tot zover verliep mijn leven als appeleter die bij wijze van zeer hoge uitzondering bananen kocht vlekkeloos.

Maar toen brak er een nieuwe dag aan. Een nieuwe dag, met nieuwe ervaringen. Want in plaats van de oude vertrouwde appels die normaliter rond de klok van acht in mijn tas glijden, was het ditmaal de beurt aan Banaan Drie. Ik twijfelde al even bij de salto die ik hem liet maken boven mijn tas. Visioenen van gepureerde bananendrekstroomden mijn fantasiewereld binnen. Maar ik besloot dat Banaan Drie best een fiets- en treintochtje Amsterdam-Haarlem moest kunnen overleven. Een leren tas is ten slotte niet vergelijkbaar met een blender.

Banaan Drie overleefde. Tot groot genoegen van mij. Het was druk op mijn werk en klok van elf naderde met rasse schreden. Banaan Drie lag me al de hele ochtend glimmend aan te staren vanuit mijn tas. Zo nu en dan hoorde ik m nurien. 'I'm Chiquita Banana and I'm here to say, eat a Banana every day...!' Het toontje van Banaan Drie stond me helemaal niet aan. Ik hou niet van bijdehand fruit, laat staan fruit dat vanuit mijn tas liedjes neuriet die ik net te goed kan verstaan. Ik besloot dat Banaan Drie dood moest. En bij voorkeur snel. 

Maar op dat moment stond er een dilemma op. Ik moest naar een andere locatie om te werken. De alarmbellen in mij begonnen direct te rinkelen. Openbaar terrein, Banaan nummer drie, mannen, spuiten en slikken. Zomaar wat alarmtermen die in mijn hoofd rondcirkelden. Ik twijfelde of ik ze moest negeren. Het is tenslotte 2010. En ik vind, dat de vrouw anno 2010 best met een fallusachtig symbool, zoals de banaan, over straat moet kunnen. Nietwaar?

Niet waar! Ik was de straat nog niet uit of de eerste opmerking over Banaan Drie was binnen. 'Ga je lekker?' vroeg een puberale puistenkop. Puisten vergroten normaliter mijn eetlust niet, maar het levenslicht van Banaan Drie moest z.s.m. doven, besloot ik. Ik at Banaan Drie alsof mijn leven ervan af hing. Dat deed ik blijkbaar iets te enthousiast, want aan de overkant van de straat verscheen een spontane grijns. Een al te spontane grijns op het gezicht van een al te spontane jongeman. Ik besloot hem te negeren, maar zijn wegbrede grijns wás simpelweg niet te negeren. Waarschijnlijk grijnst hij nu nog. Maar het hoogtepunt van mijn verschijning met Banaan Drie in het Openbaar was de bouwvakker die me vanaf de steiger toe lispelde 'Lekker banaantje van me!'.

Banaan Drie heeft het niet gered. Een deel wist mijn darmflora in balans te brengen, het overgrote deel scoorde een punt door precies in het middelste gat van een Haarlemse prullenbak te verdwijnen. Vrouwen kunnen geen bananen eten in het openbaar. Het is triest dat de emancipatie anno 2010 dat taboe nog altijd niet heeft kunnen doorbreken.



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